Ultimate Sadness

This is one of the hardest posts I've ever written.  Most of the people that read this blog (all 10 of you) don't even know the story that I'm telling today.  I will start at the beginning. 

It was the year after I graduated from college.  Most of my friends had moved away from our college town to start their new professional lives.  I stayed behind.  I had a boyfriend that was still in school and I didn't want to leave him.  I had gotten a job that allowed me to stay and thought that this was all perfect.  That was until we broke up a couple of months later.  I was in love with him but it was not a healthy sort of love.  It was more of an obsession.  I had battled depression through out college but didn't realize that's what it was.  I wasn't happy at all.  I was away from my family for the first time.  I went to a school to where I really didn't know anyone.  I felt completely alone.  I dealt with these changes so badly.  I would drink to much.  Pass out.  Miss classes.  And was just out of control.  Eventually, I met someone that made me feel better.  But I depended on him to constantly make me feel better.  When that relationship ended I was completely and totally lost.  I retreated into myself.  I shut down.  I wouldn't answer the phone with my family or friends would call to check on me.  I tried to do my job.  But it was a lonely outside sales job that kept me on the road and only helped me to stay isloated. 

Six months later I got a call from the ex-boyfriend.  We met up and got back together.  The happiness of the reunion was short lived though.  I was hard to deal with.  The depression crept into everything I did.  There was no way for him or anyone else to break through the erratic swings that the ultimate sadness can bring.  So it was over.  Again.  And I didn't think I could take it.  The loneliness.  The complete despair that washed over me was overwhelming.  I could not go through the isolation again.  In my weakness I walked into the bathroom of my small apartment and downed 40 pills.  It didn't matter what they were.  Every pill that was in my house I took.  After a short time my heart started racing, I started to shake, my brain felt like it was spinning.  I got scared.  I didn't really want things to end.  What had I done? 

I called the ex-boyfriend.  He came and brought one of my friends with him.  They took me hospital.  I choked down charcoal to induce vomitting. They stayed by my side. They called my parents and my best friend.  They all dropped everything to come be with me.  I remember laying in the hospital bed and thinking the doctor's must hate this. Saving someone that doesn't want to live. Especially when there are people fighting to maintain life. People that appreicate the gift that it is.  I felt like a shell of the person that I had been once upon a time.  Before I left home.  Before I got swept away in sadness.   

I was then taken to a psychiatric clinic.  I will never forget chatting with the guy that took me there.  He said, "You don't belong here. You're going to be just fine."  It was late at night so I was given a bed to sleep on.  But I couldn't sleep.  So I left the room at 5am, walked out into a common area and watched tv.  I didn't want to talk.  Not to these strangers.  After about an hour some of the other patients there ambled out into the common area.  One girl was rocking.  One talked in circles - not able to really able to communicate what she wanted or needed.  One girls showed me her cutting scars and told me about how she was abused.  I was ashamed.  The guy was right, I didn't belong there.  I didn't have any real reason to feel the way I did.  But regardless, I was still sad.

At around 7am my parents walked into the hospital.  I will never ever forget the look on their faces.  It's still etched in my brain so clearly even after almost 10 years.  I know they wondered how this could have happened.  I had put up a front to them for so long that this was a blow from out of nowhere.  They could have had no way of knowing what was going on becuase I shut them out.  Completely.  When I talked to them I led them to believe everything was just fine.  They were good parents and I didn't want to disappoint them.  But I realized the moment I saw them one important thing.  I would not have just ended my misery but I would have started an endless journey of misery for my mom, dad, brother, family and friends - the people that loved me and that I loved - the ones I would have left behind - the people I had forgotten about in my pain.  I almost ruined everything.

They took me home.  They helped me get counseling.  They didn't judge me.  They cried with me when I needed to cry.  They helped me rebuild the self-esteem that had somehow vanished over the past few years.  The most important thing that they did was love me. My family and close friends pulled me through.  There will never be a day that goes by that I'm not grateful for that. 

Over the next few years I healed.  I met the man of my dreams.  I was still struggling in some ways but he got through to me.  He wouldn't let me wallow in self-doubt.  He helped me gain a confidece that I hadn't felt maybe ever.  We even broke up for a short time but I didn't fall apart.  I was strong this time.  Life had changed so dramtically.  I wasn't this insecure shell of a person.  I was me.  I was alive.  We obviously got back together becuase we are just right for each other.  We have two of the most unbelievable creatures that God ever made living with us.  You can see their picutures at the top of the blog.  I can honestly say that I love living - every day.  And just think.  I could have missed out on it all. 

I'm blessed.  Blessed that my moment of weakness wasn't fully realized.  Blessed that God has watched over me and given me people in my life that have made me better than I ever believed I could be.  If I could give advice to anyone struggling and sad, I would tell them that even though it doesn't feel like things will be good again - somehow they will be.  Lean on the people that love you.  There is someone that loves you - parents, a brother or sister, friend, co-worker, pastor, someone.  Find that person or those people.  They will hold you up when you need to be held.

As cathartic as this is for me to write you may be asking yourself why?  Why now?  Today at Kelly's Korner she is hosting a "Show Us Your Life - Ministry".  This isn't really my ministry but my story.  The part that's never really been told.  But a part that's shaped who I am.  If maybe my story can help someone, then it needs to be told.  If anyone reads this and wants to talk, I'm just a few clicks away.  I'm not the authority on depression by any means but I can listen.  I've walked that road and made it to the other side.